On a serious note... I'm freaking out

Growing up, all I wanted to be was a mother. Dolls were my favorite toys! I loved babies even when I was very young. In high school and college, I had these lavish goals that I would grow up, marry a business man who drove a BMW or something, we'd have three or four children with whom I'd stay home and take care of. I'd be the cool mom--the favorite mom. The neighborhood kids would come over and I'd give them hot dogs and mac and cheese and homemade chocolate chip cookies. On field trip days, all the school kids would want to ride with me in my fantabulous SUV, because, afterall, I was the cool mom.

I was never career minded. I never thought of the "corporate ladder." I never wanted to be "somebody." I figured a job was something you had so you could make money to pay bills and buy shoes. Other than that, what's so great about working??

Somewhere in my mid-20s, my thinking started to all change. I was able to gain promotion after promotion at work within just a few years. People knew who I was. They knew I was a hard worker--that I was "going places." And the more I saw children out and about, I started to think that wasn't for me. The child having a fit in the aisle at Wal-mart. The child who wouldn't stop crying at the restaurant. The child whining to his mother in line at the grocery store. OMG, children are freaking annoying. I don't have time or patience for that crap, I thought. There is NO way I could work a job and deal with the insanity a child brings. But there is also NO way I could not work, because my income is what keeps our family afloat. (sometimes barely). No. No. No.

I had never been more anti-children than I was in June. Ironically, the same month I conceived (funny how God works that way.) And now my opinions are all sloshy and crazy again.

I care more about this child than I do my "career" now. When I'm not feeling well because of Baby (I've been getting crazy bad headaches lately), I don't push myself to go to work anymore; I stay home. Issues at work don't seem as big anymore because, dude, I'm growing a person in my uterus! I don't care so much about what my next big move at work is... only that it continues to make me enough money to care for Baby and preferably gets me to a location where I'd really like to raise my family. This Baby already has suddenly become my whole world. I would give up anything so that he/she can have everything he/she needs.

So, where's the freaking out part? Well, amid all the crazy pregnancy worries and fear about labor and delivery, I've realized that's nothing compared to what happens AFTER Baby is safely outside my vagina. I have no idea how to be a mother. I babysat a bit when I was younger, but no one under the age of 6-8 months. I don't know what to do with a newborn. I don't know how to stop a crying baby. I don't know how to recognize colic or ear infections or any other million sickness related things a baby can have. I don't know how to potty train. What if I don't read to Baby enough? What if Baby is the bad kid in class and I'm always going to parent/teacher meetings? How do I keep Baby away from drugs, under-age drinking, and scary sexual situations?

What if I'm a bad mother.

That's my biggest fear. I know we all have at least something we regret or resent about our own mothers--and the innate fear that we may turn out that way, too. What if, this little person that I already love so much, hates me? What if everything I can give is still not good enough?

I figure time will tell on many of those things. And I know that "what ifs" are the worst things to dwell on. So for now, I just have to research all I can about caring for newborns and raising babies....

And maybe it's terrible that I do this, but I know there are way worse women out there that are having babies--so I clearly won't be the world's WORST mother... it's just... what can I do to make sure I'm one of the best?

Violet, You're Turning Violet!

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Do you remember the Willy Wonka movie from back in the day? And Violet takes the everlasting gobstopper and as she's talking about all the foods it tastes like, she gets to the end and starts blowing up and turning blue/purple and they're all like, "Violet, you're turning violet!!" That is kinda how I felt today.

I wore this really cute dress from Target that is very purple (and people at work pointed out to me it's very purple). This is really one of the most comfortable articles of maternity clothing I own! It's loose fitting so I don't feel constricted or anything at all.

What I do feel is fat. Large. Gigantic. Ginormous. Huge.

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Now, I'm currently at 19weeks 4days and am only up like 9 (or 10, depending on the time of day;) pounds. Which really isn't sooo horrible. But I swear I feel like I've gained A LOT more. And as the day went on I felt like I kept getting bigger! Like people should be telling me *I* was turning Violet then roll me down to the juicer just like they did for Violet in the movie.... *sigh*

In other pregnancy news, Baby seems to be doing well. I feel movement pretty much every day! Yay! I haven't totally been tracking it, but I do think it comes and goes around the same times each day. It's kinda funny when I wake up [wayyy too early] in the morning for work, I can almost always feel a little punch or kick in my left side. Oh, Baby, are you an early bird??

Still no crazy cravings or super weird things going on. I've been getting heartburn a lot more often and have become BFFs with the Walgreen's brand of Tums;) And I do get this odd feeling that I actually feel like my stomach is growing!! Daddy thinks it's crazy, but at the end of the day (after dinner or a big meal) I swear I can feel all the skin on my stomach just stretching...

Speaking of stretching, that's how I know I'm not crazy. Not even 20 weeks and the stretch marks have already started... *sigh* I knew I could handle the white ones. I haven't been a skinny-mini in years so I've had a few white stretch marks here and there already... but I got these three red ones right on my left side that look like a demon scratched me. So this is where the fun begins?

One more week and we'll find out what Baby is! I can't wait to start talking to Baby by name instead of... well.. just "Baby":) We're definitely set on a boy name... the girl name is still a little up in the air, but if Baby turns out to be a girl, I think we'll decide pretty quickly... you, dear readers, may not know the name until March when Baby gets here! We'll see how long I can keep the secret;)

I'm getting out there!

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Decisions, decisions...

Before I got pregnant, I never really thought about a lot of the decisions I'd need to make if I had a baby. For one, I wasn't trying to have a baby nor was I even really sure I wanted one (don't worry! I am super attached to this little one and am very excited about it;)

But when I did get pregnant there were still a number of things that to me were like "no-brainers" there was no thinking or deciding, I just *knew*. Breastfeed? Yes. Circumsize? Yes. Hospital or Homebirth? Hospital. Disposable or cloth? Disposable; Pampers. Duh.

So when Daddy's mom asked if we were going to use cloth diapers, I was almost disgusted. No. freaking. way. All I could picture was cloth napkins and gigantic safety pins and baby poo everywhere. Definitely not.

'til I saw a picture of some on Facebook. They didn't look at all like I imagined! They were actually super cute! And they snapped and used velcro and were a bunch cheaper than disposable! Hmm..

I started researching, which is kinda hard to do on a topic that people seem to be so passionate about. Cloth diapering mamas are ALL ABOUT cloth diapering (which is affectionately known as CD). Ones that are against CD are VERY AGAINST it. So it's difficult to find any non-biased information.

I've watched some YouTube videos and I understand now all the different kinds that are out there (don't ask me to name them all off though, I haven't studied *that* much;) And I'm *considering* it. Right now Pampers are still on my registry and I feel more comfortable with disposables because that is what I know. That is what's familiar. But it doesn't mean that's what I'll stick with.

Am I going to go all hippy-dippy, save the planet, and only put Baby in bamboo diapers? Nah, not a chance. But I'd be willing to try them and see how it goes... Daddy and I have to agree though... so it's definitely still up for discussion ;)

How about you? Disposable or cloth? Have you tried both? What made you make your decision?

Yo-Yo Emotions and Wiggle Worms

Being pregnant is just really weird... like there are so many changes taking place! Not just in my body (rumor has it there's A LOT going on in there;) but also on the outside of my body (seriously, where was the warning: "May DRASTICALLY enhance areola size"?!?! I'm all for bigger boobs [though, okay, I hope they actually STOP growing at some point], and I get that bigger areolas make for better latch for baby, but I'm a little over it...lol) And, pregnancy is totally messing with my feelings! There are days where I'm absolutely freaked out. Then there are days when I'm so super excited! Days when I want Baby to just stay in there forever. And days where I'm ready for it to all be over so I can actually hold Baby!

It's overwhelming and draining.

Then the worry kicks in; will I be a good mom? Will Baby know who I am when I go back to work? What if Baby likes Daddy more than me? Will I be able to discipline? Can I avoid the mistakes my parents made with me?

As if there aren't already enough things to worry about while being pregnant...

On a brighter note! I'm almost finished with week 17! AND some super exciting news! I'm pretty sure I felt Baby move this week!! It started while I was laying in bed on Tuesday night and I thought I felt a muscle twinge in my lower left abdomen. It wasn't a muscle (let's not kid ourselves; even before pregnancy there were very few muscles anywhere near my stomach;). The next day at work, the inside of my tummy had a tickle. The next day in a meeting, my stomach felt like when you're on a roller coaster or fly over a really big hill and it flips! I know these are all just very tiny feelings, but I'm like 92% sure it's Baby! I don't feel them all the time, but it's special every time I do!

And!! Less than three weeks and we find out what Baby is!! Suuuuper excited about that! I thought I wanted to wait 'til delivery, but Daddy really wants to "be able to plan" things. And honestly, twenty weeks seems like a long enough time to wait to be surprised;) Plus, I want to be able to start calling Baby by name! But more on that later;)

New Beginnings...

Beginnings are always hard--especially when they're new beginnings--new school, new job, new places... This beginning is no different.

They're hard because you don't know what to expect. You don't know if or how you'll succeed. You don't know who you'll meet along the way. It's a time of excitement and terror; joy and fear; emotions of opposite extremes running side by side in your life.

From experience, I've mastered new schools, new jobs, new places... so history should repeat itself and allow me to be successful at this new beginning as well. However, this one is a bit more complicated...

So before we delve into that whole situation, let's get some basics out of the way, like, who am I? Some of you may know me as Kristen from glitter, gloss, and glaze--the beauty and lifestyle blog I've been keeping for just about a year now. Some of you may know me as Kristen in real life. Some of you may not know me at all, but you're starting out on a new beginning of your own and just want to follow someone so you don't feel so alone. How ever and whomever you know me as really isn't important at this point.

You see, in about five months, everything we know about me is going to change because-----I'm going to be a mommy. Omg, it seems crazy to even write something like that! But yes, I am currently 17 weeks along (I supposedly have 160 days left to go... if that puts it in perspective for you;) Baby seems to be doing well! (as far as I can tell, lol. I'm still not feeling anything and it's not like i can see Baby on a regular basis, but as of the last appointment on Friday, Baby's heart is strong and everything is looking good:)

You'll learn more about me as we go along. I'll share tidbits here and there as we get to know each other more. Right now, I just had to get the first post of this blog done. I don't know if mommy blogging is just like beauty blogging or not... But this is my journey to find out.

This is one beauty blogger's journey to motherhood.... care to join me?:)